Remember when I used to write about my daughter...? Cute little anecdotes about a kid full of spunk and fun? Things that made you chuckle or smile? Remember the pictures of a sweet little girl with super blonde hair and an angelic smile? So do I. Which is why I am struggling to figure out -
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED???
Where did my little darling go? Who is this sullen, attitude-filled punk who is now living in my house? Who is this tall, lanky teenager who spends hours - no, DAYS - at a time on the internet or cell phone, texting and IM'ing and living in a virtual world while ignoring the real one??
What happened to the sixth grader who got straight A's? Did this creature who consistently gets C's & D's because of late and/or missing assignments (but "don't WORRY about it, Mom!) take over her body?? Where did the child who used to listen to me and cry if I reprimanded her go? I really don't like this young woman who sneers and ignores me, and laughs when I threaten her.
Can it be possible that THIS is my daughter? This dishwater blonde creature with braces and eyeliner who "forgets" to do her chores, leaves pop cans and dishes all over the house, drops her clothes in the hallway, ignores the dog she begged for until the poor thing pees on the rug...?
No way. I raised MY daughter better than this. MY daughter has respect for her mother. MY daughter cares about school. And her dog. And her chores. MY daughter ENJOYS spending time with her mother.
Doesn't she??
You know, every once in a while I see a little glimpse of that blonde angel I used to know... during a talk in the car, or while watching tv... not often, but SOMETIMES. So I know there is still hope.
So I guess I'll just hang out here and wait for her to come back.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Deer Me
71 hours is too much work for any normal person in one week. But then again, I never claimed to be normal. And there I was this morning again, up at 3:30 am to exercise, shower and (hopefully) make the 4:41 train to get to work for some overtime. I stopped at the 7-11 to pick up a Mega Millions ticket - because how cool would THAT be? For ME to win $212 million? Great personal interest story, I must humbly admit - single working mom, busting her ass, picking up a lottery ticket at 4 am on her way to work... Anyway, I digress.
So obviously, I have been under a tad bit of stress lately, between working so many hours, and the usual financial bs, and raising a teenager and trying not to come down on her just because I am tired, and of course, last Friday was Poppops' birthday so he's been on my mind... But in the wee hours of the morning, I was blessed with a very calming, peaceful sign. At least, I think it was a sign. In any case, it was probably the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time.
As I was parking my car in the empty train station parking lot, lit by soft streetlights, there was snow falling. Not the yukky slushy kind, either - the big, fluffy soft flakes. It looked really pretty in and of itself, but then I saw something moving.
It was a deer - and she was walking slowly toward the parking lot from a grassy area right in front of me. Not running, not walking apprehensively, just casually strolling through the quietly falling snow. I got out of my car and just watched her as she continued her walk across the lot to the woods on the other side. And it was the strangest thing - I really felt a sense of peace. Like everything I have been doing isn't for nothing. Like no matter how down or frustrated I got, there was still beauty in the world - I just had to slow down to look for it sometimes.
So now I am at work, sorting through the stacks of files and papers I need to get through - but I'm ok. I can only do so much, and I'll get done what I need to. And when I get home, I'll make dinner and sit with my daughter and just relax and enjoy being with her. And really, just enjoy being. Because even though life is short, sometimes you just need to stroll through the predawn snow and take it all in.
So obviously, I have been under a tad bit of stress lately, between working so many hours, and the usual financial bs, and raising a teenager and trying not to come down on her just because I am tired, and of course, last Friday was Poppops' birthday so he's been on my mind... But in the wee hours of the morning, I was blessed with a very calming, peaceful sign. At least, I think it was a sign. In any case, it was probably the most beautiful thing I have seen in a long time.
As I was parking my car in the empty train station parking lot, lit by soft streetlights, there was snow falling. Not the yukky slushy kind, either - the big, fluffy soft flakes. It looked really pretty in and of itself, but then I saw something moving.
It was a deer - and she was walking slowly toward the parking lot from a grassy area right in front of me. Not running, not walking apprehensively, just casually strolling through the quietly falling snow. I got out of my car and just watched her as she continued her walk across the lot to the woods on the other side. And it was the strangest thing - I really felt a sense of peace. Like everything I have been doing isn't for nothing. Like no matter how down or frustrated I got, there was still beauty in the world - I just had to slow down to look for it sometimes.
So now I am at work, sorting through the stacks of files and papers I need to get through - but I'm ok. I can only do so much, and I'll get done what I need to. And when I get home, I'll make dinner and sit with my daughter and just relax and enjoy being with her. And really, just enjoy being. Because even though life is short, sometimes you just need to stroll through the predawn snow and take it all in.
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