It Is What It Is

You know what? I AM A GOOD MOM. I may not be perfect, and therefore, neither is my daughter, but I do a damn good job. And I am sick and tired of judgmental people telling me everything I am doing wrong - mainly, "not being there enough."

Yes, I work two jobs. Do you want to know why?? Because I have these little things called bills. And a mortgage. And a car payment. All that I pay ON MY OWN. Without MY parents' help, without a husband, without public aid, and without child support. I spend as much time with my daughter as humanly possible, and we talk every day. But hello? SHE IS THIRTEEN, people. There are lots of times she doesn't want to talk to me or gets mad at me or does things she shouldn't. But I would be more concerned if none of this were true.

Lexie is a good kid. I have raised her to the best of my ability, and continue to keep the lines of communication open. She tells me things that I'm sure not many kids tell their parents, and I share the bulk of my life experience with her. She knows where I stand as far as boys, and drinking, and drugs. I am NOT the parent who will allow any of this "oh, she can drink as long as she is at HOME" or "sure, you can have people over when I am not home" bullshit. And lately, she has gotten caught doing the latter - and she paid for it dearly. Besides the basic grounding, we talked in depth about what a lack of trust does to any relationship - but especially the parent-child one. I know she gets it, but I also know SHE IS THIRTEEN. This is not an excuse, but guess what? If all she is doing is sneaking a friend into the house while I am gone and not doing drugs or drinking or breaking the law or sleeping around, then I feel a lot better.

Lord knows I wish I could be the June Cleaver mom, and have my precious child involved in every activity (and even join with her or be a damn scout troop leader), but guess what? I CAN'T. I suppose I could, if I quit my weekend job and started working only part-time during the week, and we lived in Section 8 housing and used food stamps to eat and I sold my car and bought a damn bus pass, but guess what? I choose to give her a better life than that. We aren't all so lucky that we can have someone else support us, be it a husband or the government, and I am proud of myself for making it ON MY OWN.

My daughter is a good kid and I am proud of her and love her more than life itself. But she will make mistakes, just like I have and still do. It happens to everyone. And I will either discipline her or hug her or maybe a little of both when those mistakes happen. I will stand by her side and support her through whatever road she chooses in life. I will love her unconditionally, will wipe away her tears when she cries, listen when she wants me to - and give her space when she doesn't.

Ours may not be the conventional life, and we may not be the "Gilmore Girls," but it works for us. We love each other, and I do what I have to to survive, and guess what? You can take your "helpful advice" about quitting my second job and spending more time with my daughter since she obviously is on the road to becoming a junkie/hellion by high school and shove it. Because you obviously don't really know me or my daughter at all.

Nonsensical Babble

When did I get so old? Why don't I really have fun any more when I go out drinking? Why do I always feel so insecure and worry that people really don't like me - even people who I shouldn't really care about?

Why are some people so filled with judgment and hate and bitterness? Why can't people just move forward in life without dwelling on the past - especially the past from ten or twenty years ago?

What is the real purpose in life? Am I really supposed to just keep busting my ass for 50 - 60 hours a week at work just to pay bills that keep on coming FOREVER? Why is it that my daughter doesn't seem to want to talk to me about anything anymore?

Why do I watch so damn much tv? And really enjoy it? Why do I never seem to have the energy to go out and actually DO things?

Why am I so lonely for male companionship, but at the same time so afraid to make any kind of effort towards actually connecting with someone?

Why am I so jealous of people whose lives seem so much better than mine - when chances are, they probably aren't?

Why do I feel like everything in my life is slowly falling out of my grip... and that I am destined to be alone and have nothing in the end?

Why can't I set aside just a few minutes a day to write more on here?

Why can't I just finish "TBOTE?"

Why do I care so much about what the "younger kids" at RL think about me? Why do I still feel like the dork in high school that everyone laughs about behind my back?

Why can't I commit to an exercise program and get into better shape?

Why do I still not feel good enough around my dad?

Why do I always put off calling or e-mailing people I really care about - especially when I really need to talk to someone?

Like I said - nonsensical babble. Have to go to work now. Missed you too, Ranger Tom - and anyone else who actually is still out there for me...!